Twitter’s Witty Takes On The Reality Of Marriage From “I Do” To “I Can’t”
Marriage is always a big step in a relationship, and there's really no predicting how it will go, as each one is a little different. But while most of them get fairly routine after a while, there are so many bizarre decisions, arguments, and habits each partner can have that sound positively hilarious. And there's a lot of truth that can lurk in those quirky moments.
Everybody's a little bit weird, and when the weirdness of two people mesh, the results can be cute, funny, facepalm-inducing, or just plain inexplicable. And fortunately, so many people are more than willing to entertain everyone with tales of their strange little moments together.
There Are Some Things That Not Even Love Can Conquer
With how dramatically this was worded, it makes it hard not to wish that more romantic comedies were written like this. Hey, it can't be any worse than that "break up at the start of the third act" cliché.
And with the way this statement was worded, like a lawyer drafting a contract, it's pretty clear that this isn't the first time they've had this conversation. Bonus points if she said she wasn't hungry before he started making this little snack.
That's One Way To Solve The Mystery
Although some people can luck into having supportive in-laws, many married people find that they've got a marriage counselor, a home inspector, and a judge all in one. That would be one heck of a deal if they actually recalled hiring or needing any of those things.
And as this woman points out, it's not as if they're the most impartial observers of the situations they barge into. Where exactly was this lecture 20 years ago when someone could have used it?
Not The Most Fun Marriage Game
The scenario that Mommy Owl is outlining here is a lot like Monopoly; it's a game that so many people find themselves playing despite never imagining themselves wanting to. One can usually expect exact calculations of how many hours of sleep they got last night.
Those who are nostalgic for those times when their grandparents told them they had to walk to school uphill both ways in three feet of snow are going to love marriage. At least a married couple is unlikely to dismissively call each other "college boy" for no reason.
Well, At Least She's Not Suffering In Silence
In many ways, marriage is all about being there for each other when life's challenges rear their ugly heads. But sometimes, it's hard not to be a little more dramatic about those challenges than the situation calls for.
That said, it becomes both easier and harder to take a sick spouse seriously when they start writing like this. Because as hard as it is not to wheeze as "huesbab," it's also a good sign that the bad cold is making it harder to think straight.
It's Important To Work Out The Pause Etiquette
One aspect of marriage that a lot of people forget to mention is how many "Who's that guy?" conversations will happen when a couple tries to watch something together. And after those small housekeeping matters have been settled, somebody will start getting to the heart of the matter.
Because the rich lore of Shrek The Third will not go unexpressed, and apparently, neither will the superior quality of its obscure novelization. Even if it takes twice as long to get through the movie.
A New Adventure Every Day
Some people describe marriage as boring, but a lot of couples can find inventive little ways of keeping things fresh and exciting for years to come. And sometimes, it's through mysteries like the one behind this little ask.
Why does her husband need a picture of the toilet seat? Will she ever find out? Those are just the tantalizing plot points the enraptured audience will just have to wait until the next episode to find out. Now that's real pulse-pounding action!
Asking The Real Questions
Sometimes, it's hard for some people not to feel like their partner came from a completely different planet. But at the same time, their misconceptions are so cute and fun that it's also hard not to wish that their own little world was real.
Not that it would be a great life development to have to work as soon as people are in diapers, but rather that his wife saw a real-life Boss Baby on one fateful morning. A man can dream.
On A Rough Enough Morning, This Just Might Work
They often say the best defense is a good offense, and it looks like that strategy holds just as true in the kitchen as it does on the battlefield. If only military commanders could use the same tactic when they wreck an important piece of equipment.
But while it seems impossible to convince a general that he's the one who drove the new tank into the river, she probably has a 50/50 shot of her groggy husband falling for this one.
Now, This Is Teamwork
As Twitter user @spinellicross wrote, "My husband has forgotten something every day for the last two weeks, so yesterday I made him a little checklist to look at and hung it up for him lol." It's hard not to wonder how much this little sign caught on with other absent-minded couples after she posted this.
Sadly, this tweet also illustrated that nobody can make a sign for everything. While she reported that her husband didn't forget anything on this list, he did forget to take the garbage to the bottom of the driveway. Better luck next time!
Sometimes, Baby Steps Are All Anyone Can Ask For
Every relationship has a dedicated bug killer, but they have to sleep just as much as anybody else. In these moments, sacrifices are made, and heroes are born. And a very uncomfortable spouse takes on a grueling challenge.
Of course, it ends up being a Pyrrhic victory when independence sounds like someone just flipped on a horror movie at the scariest part. But hey, that just means everyone in the house is awake to celebrate this impressive milestone. Yeah, that's it!
A Husband Must Take Every Opportunity
Although they call them dad jokes, there's some compelling evidence here that it's getting married that turns guys into gleefully lame punsters rather than fatherhood. It's so easy to picture the cheekily raised eyebrow and big, goofy smile as he said this one, too.
And while she may roll her eyes in that moment, she'll likely have a hard time suppressing her smile when she tells other people what he said. If even a bratty teenager can get worn down by enough goofy puns, nobody else stands a chance.
Don't Underestimate The Value Of Outside Perspectives
So many people can say their parents told them it's illegal to turn a car's inside light on, but it's hard to know whose family traditions are really weird until they find love and their sweetheart looks at them like they've grown a second head.
Apparently, not everyone's dad plays a "womp womp" sound on a tuba every time someone in the house breaks a plate. It's amazing how jarring it can be to meet someone normal. It's like the regrettable first draft of Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
A Secret To Take To The Grave
It wouldn't really be his best work, but this seems like the kind of thing that would start an Edgar Allen Poe story. But only if the coupon kept coming back every time this man tried to pay for something else.
That's a horror story that only gets scarier once that coupon goes past its expiry date. Single people may not be so impressed by this harrowing tale, but so many married people just nervously checked their wallets right now.
Enjoy That Strategy While It Lasts
Although husbands have been getting out of tasks they don't want to do for decades with this (sometimes legitimately accidental) strategy, the Sun has been setting on it in recent years. For it was foretold that the term "weaponized incompetence" would rise from the dustpans and grubby bathtubs of the world to break the ancient spell.
It was a good run while it lasted, but there are a lot of people in the midst of discovering that they really do need to "Try try again." Well, that or find another excuse to get out of it. Whichever's easier.
Finally, A Lifehack That Works For Everyone
Why buy a greeting card like a sucker when the concept of Valentine's Day cannolis exists? After all, warm sentiments are nice, but they don't fill the body quite like warm, cream-filled dough does. Now, that's a Valentine's Day tradition worth celebrating.
And really, the most heartwarming part about this is how organically it sounds like they came to this decision. And if their minds both went to cannolis at once, that relationship's a keeper. That or they recently watched The Godfather.
This Guy Is Clearly Speaking From Experience
Well, she may not be thrilled about the concept of buying snakes from Target, but that might depend on how good the deal is on them. A bargain is a bargain, and when it's enticing enough, brainstorming uses for snakes suddenly doesn't seem that hard.
What is it about Target that makes so many inhibitions disappear? That mystery may never be solved, but at least this man doesn't have to worry about it unless they start running their own pet shops.
Take Heed Of These Wise Words
Some people have noticed that cats manage to take up so much room in bed, even with their little bodies, so there was never a chance of sleeping well next to another grown human. Even when a couple isn't tossing and turning into each other, chances are good that one will end up kidnapping some of the bedding.
And it just speaks to how solid a marriage is when they can meet the morning the next day without whimpering. No wonder they slept in separate beds on The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Who's Going To Tell Him?
If nothing else, I suppose the wife has her answer. Which is good because it seems like it was the only question this guy was prepared to answer. It's just a good thing she didn't ask something like, "What have I been talking about for the last five minutes?"
There are many ways that it's hard not to wish that life was more like TV, but that's especially true here. For those wondering how just think of how useful one of those "previously on" segments would be in real life.
It's So Heartwarming To Share Each Other's Achievements
It's not always so easy to predict what people will take away from their days, but everyone knows that look in their partner's eyes when they're about to share the biggest highlight on their minds. And, sometimes, it turns out to be more than anyone could predict.
In this case, it's most likely to give the wife a lot to think about as she lies awake. Did he eat all of them at once? Where did he get 75 chicken nuggets? And most importantly, how much did all of that cost?
Her Spidey Senses Were Tingling
They say some twins can share an unexplained awareness across even great distances, but it's hard not to suspect that a couple can work the same way when they're married for long enough. When a random act of untidiness occurs, it's like the smell of a coming rainstorm.
That said, it's nice to know that the wife's super senses are as conscientious about the hotel staff's peace of mind as they are about her own. Maybe this guy can expect another text right before check-out that says, "Remember to tip well."
It Must Be A Pretty Good Listener
Well, at least this only accounts for 40% of their conversations. The dog's got a busy day of licking itself and barking at nothing ahead of it. Of course, this can only make people curious about what his wife was saying to the dog.
But without knowing whether this man has a habit of chewing on the furniture or bothering the mailman, we'll never know what the source of the confusion was. Why are life's most compelling mysteries always the most frustrating?
It Sounds Like An Enlightening Experience
Sometimes, it can be truly liberating to discover one's lack of concern about something that's seriously bothering those around them. However, this man's tweet makes it clear that that's only true for those who haven't spent the last hour standing in an outlet store.
It's a little like waiting at the doctor's office, except that it comes with a pop quiz. And that last sentence is almost certainly somebody's idea of Hell. Hopefully, this guy was able to reach the moment where he could resume not caring about beige curtains soon.
The Most Unbreakable Of Stalemates
As wonderful as it is when husbands and wives discover how much they have in common, there are times when they can feel a little too much alike. It's easy to grumble about morning people until they're the only ones willing to get up all day.
And the longer this deadlock goes on, the harder it's going to be to argue that they just happened to sleep in until midnight. It's funny how coffee is apparently the only thing keeping them from sleeping for 24 hours straight. Hmm.
Only The Best For His Beloved
This seems like the closest someone can get to ordering a chicken finger platter with an air of class and sophistication. It's hard not to suspect that they'll just end up with two of them at the end of it all, though.
As long as they both dip their chicken fingers in the sauce with their pinky fingers up, they're showing the proper etiquette. And hey, a night out on the town only gets more expensive as time goes on.
Well, At Least She Acknowledges It
As "delightful" as this conversation sounds, it could have been much worse. She was honest enough not to say something like "I don't care," which at least manages the husband's expectations a little bit. It's hard to meet a high standard but much harder to meet an invisible one.
That said, most people would be lying if they said they haven't had this exact conversation with themselves. Well, at least the ones prone to looking at themselves in the mirror and asking, "Why are you like this?"
A More Perfect Union
There is always something deeply satisfying about this type of relationship because nobody really loses in it. One will never need to worry about what they'll do with an unwanted pickle, and the other can always count on getting an extra. Why hasn't anyone written poetry about this?
That said, a marriage between two people who hate pickles can also work out. But two people who love them? Unless they're both saints, that's going to result in the drawing of some battle lines. So says the prophecy.
The Eternal Philosophical Debate
One thing nobody can really prepare newlyweds for about their marriage is how much time they'll end up spending discussing and debating things that seem completely pointless. But anyone rolling their eyes isn't appreciating how invested even the most above-it-all person can be when their opponent doesn't agree with something.
Suddenly, their minds will flash with every grumpy cat they've ever seen. And once they're told that's just how the cat's faces looked, that's when round two begins. Because how do they know the smiling cats didn't just look like that?
He Just Doesn't Understand The Gamble Here
Apparently, some people take a nap and immediately feel refreshed and rested once they wake up. Whoever these people are, they're the subject of intense and bitter envy from literally everyone else on the planet. Because sure, that can happen sometimes.
But sometimes, taking a new hour nap only leaves someone feeling like a newlyborn baby giraffe. They're just stumbling around disoriented, tired, and wondering where they are and what year it is. From the sounds of things, this is what happens when these two types of people find love.
It Doesn't Have To Make Sense If It Works
This sounds like the result of a hard lesson, and it's easy to see how it unfolded. After all, it's a reasonable position not to feel the need to apologize for something that didn't even happen in real life. But it's also true that some dreams are vivid enough to bother people in waking life.
So if apologizing for a dream helps the wife go through her day without the events of that dream niggling at her mind, it shows a lot of maturity and care to just do it. And this guy's really a keeper if he apologizes for something crazy like chasing the flying pink elephants away.
It Takes True Love To Accept This Shocking Act
There's no declaration of what percent she's on, no warning, and no discussion. Just blatant disrespect. It's a bold move, but it may not quite establish the dominance she's expecting it to. That's because this little move sets a precedent.
Whether she prepared for it or not, she's setting the stage for a moment where her husband gets that same mischievous look in his eye and reaches for her phone while it's charging. She can't say that nobody warned her.
Being A Marriage Counselor Must Be A Strange Job
When people live together for long enough, they'll eventually notice things about each other that get under their skin more than they expect it to. While a person who clips their toenails in bed is an obvious menace, others are a little subtle about their annoying habits.
It's also true that people can sometimes dig their heels when they're called out, so it's easy to suspect that this gum chewing didn't start arrogantly. It just got there in a defiant and bubblicious spree after this argument was had one too many times.
It Gets Old After A While
There are some major differences between marriages and jobs, but this is definitely one aspect they have in common. That bushy-tailed eagerness to please is tough to keep up, and eventually, the routine becomes a little too automatic to notice.
That said, that doesn't necessarily mean a couple no longer likes each other when they get to the grunting phase. It's just that the energy it takes to get to work becomes a lot more scarce as everything progresses. It's a very heartfelt and romantic grunt, honest!
She Might Have To Get Used To That
In a way, this is a clear answer to her question. While the husband is clearly happy to bring her the purse, rifling through it is a significantly taller order. So, no, it seems he can't bring that specific item.
That may essentially turn this interaction into a game of fetch, but as long as he doesn't mind being called a good boy after he brings it, that's not the worst thing. It's probably pushing it to have him do it on all fours, though.
The Kind Of Wisdom That Comes From Experience
In fairness, there's no reason to doubt that she meant it at the time when she said she was only looking for a couple of things. But experience told him that this does not mean she won't happen upon other stuff in the course of finding those things that would also work well.
And honestly, if most people were to say that something like that never happened to them in a store they like, they'd be lying through their teeth. And somebody else would roll their eyes and get a cart for them. It's the circle of life.
Being Inseparable Can Have Its Downsides
There's something enviable about having an endlessly supportive partner. And when a couple is in sync about the most important things in their relationship, both usually feel like they've hit the jackpot. No matter where their beloved goes, they're right there with them.
Unfortunately, this only really works in places where there's actually enough room for both of them. Otherwise, it can feel like herding some very loving but pretty clueless cats. But unlike the cats, the husband probably wouldn't close the drawers repeatedly for fun.
That'll Be Fun To Explain In A Few Years
They always say that kids don't come with an instruction manual, but that doesn't mean there isn't a lot of room to worry about the things that do. Still, it would no doubt be entertaining to get a taste of the marvelous dad logic at play here.
Maybe he figures that kids fit the definition of "built to last" better than a MacBook Pro. In fairness, even a casual observer would likely agree that's not exactly Apple's main priority nowadays. Now, it's just a matter of figuring out dad's priorities.
He's Got His Priorities Straight
As much as it may have annoyed his wife, there are so many people out there who would agree that nothing interrupts head-banging during that big solo in "Bohemian Rhapsody." It's like driving the speed limit during the solo from "Free Bird." It just takes more restraint than the human body is capable of.
Still, it's hard not to wonder if he replied with "So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?" when she said that. Not that this is any more likely to impress her, but it doesn't make it any less satisfying.
How Did He Earn That Reputation?
Sometimes, couples come up with cute pet names for each other that are a little embarrassing for others to hear, but they're usually a little more affectionate than this. That said, it's definitely true that marriage can feel like that exact situation.
It would be very tempting to find out why he reminds her of a weird roommate, but it would probably be even more tempting to be on the other side of that phone call. Bonus points if they're on speakerphone.
Clearly, A Healthy And Productive Dialogue
Leaving the donut glasses on for any part of this argument was already a bold strategy, but it's showing supreme confidence if that argument is about maturity. So, unless this guy has some super secret weapon he didn't share in the tweet, it sounds like he's already lost this one.
Of course, that's tantamount to stating the obvious when all he can say is, "Your mom's immature." It turns out that cleaning one's glasses on one's shirt isn't quite a suave enough move to bolster that stellar defense.
It's The Little Moments That Are Remembered The Fondest
While Twitter user @Corky77714's husband was playing in a club, his show took on a visual experience he wasn't expecting. As she tweeted out, "This is what the projector did to my husband's face." That's one way to honor a booking while the game is on.
If a couple doesn't capture these little moments of silliness with each other, are they really married? And seeing him rock it while a hockey jersey is being shone over his face makes this moment all the more adorable.
